It all begins with that look in the mirror. You don’t like what you see. In fact you hate what you see (funny what feelings one piece of glass evokes in a human). You see excess weight and maybe you’ve seen it your entire life. You so desperately want to do something about it but that 30lbs feels like 300 and for some of us that 300lbs feels like one million. You resolve to do something about it. Next week you’re going to start a diet! You’re going to change the way you eat, you’re going to exercise, maybe you’ll look into bariatric surgery. You’re going to be a brand new you!
Next week comes and maybe it doesn’t exactly work out that way or you start so strong but you seem to teeter off: a piece of cake, some chips, you miss several workouts. You’re not alone.
How Did I Let Myself Get Like This?
This is my story above. I am currently 312lbs. A look in the mirror is a painful experience, a reminder of my shortcomings. It’s an unending ramble of questions: how did I let myself get like this? Why didn’t I do something about this 150lbs ago? All this followed by a dose of guilt equal to your weight. Many nights have I cried and many relationships have been wounded by my low self-esteem.
There comes a point in time when you make a certain decision. It might not be today, it might be a year from now but one day you’ll come upon a realization that you can’t live like this anymore. You can’t ignore the snickers and sneers and whispers as you walk by. You want to turn around and scream that these people have no idea what it was that got you to this point and they, furthermore, have no idea the journey it will take to right it.
Trauma and Weight Gain
I plan on being candid with my posts here and to let you know that my weight gain stemmed back to the age of four when I suffered sexual abuse which escalated to rape by the age of fourteen by a family member. A child understands three modes of comfort and self-soothing: crying, sleeping and eating. I did a lot of all three during those ten years, I remember filling mixing bowls with cereal and half of a gallon of milk and sneaking up to my room to eat it all. Also, I remember the shame when lying to my parents about where it went. At school, I was made fun of mercilessly for my weight, too.
Why Consider Bariatric Surgery?
Now that you know a bit of my back story, please allow me to share with you my present story and what, I desperately hope, will become my future story. I made the decision to better myself. Yes, thinking about my beautiful four year old daughter helped. So I have begun the steps necessary to get bariatric surgery. With the amount of weight I have to lose and my small stature(5″5′), my bmi is well into the 50’s and it makes sense. I began a 1,700 calorie diet January 12th and by January 15th I had already lost three pounds.
This is going to be a long journey. My insurance requires a six month physician (by physician they mean dietician) supervised diet. There are several tests that I will undergo such as cardiac and pulmonary tests to ensure my readiness for surgery. I have also quit smoking as of January 26th. Managing these two things together has proven to be quite difficult. There are days I go over my calories a bit but I don’t beat myself up about it because I know that each day will get better and the cravings will ebb.
I long to be about 160lbs. Though I have always been larger my entire life, I would actually like to retain a soft, womanly figure. My friend, “Gina”, had a Roux-N-Y bypass done January 2nd and has since lost a mind-blowing 160! She lost another person! That was all the motivation I needed and Gina has been such a terrific sport, allowing me to ask any question I want, even ones that are personal.
In closing, I strongly encourage anyone thinking about gastric bypass to do research. Interview doctors, if possible. Most importantly, check with your insurance, you may be surprised. And for those that surgery is not an option for, I encourage you to join a site like MyFitnessPal.com and utilize their food diary. It will ask you what you want your weight to be (I chose my weight in six months) and it will tailor a caloric intake for you. It also has a wide database of food for you to search your foods! It’s a fantastic weight loss tool!
Happy days will come your way if you can only muster the breath to blow away the clouds.