Hey, guys. I feel I must preface this with the statement that today was not a good day. You see, on top of my everyday struggles with food and overeating, raising a delightful four year old daughter and trying to care for myself, I also have an emotional disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder(not to be confused with MULTIPLE Personality Disorder, please) which acts very much like bi-polar disorder with certain differences.
Today I had a very low day on account of my daughter being by her father and myself missing her very much. I barely ate today, which I regret. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and a glass of milk, I had no snack or lunch and ate some popcorn for dinner. These were all very poor choices but regular choices for me. I’m a self-professed carbaholic. I love all carbs, especially a soft, fluffy dinner roll with butter. Oh, man. I live for a good piece of white bread. Okay, salivation session officially over.
I struggled a lot with my self-image today. I felt bloated and if my shirt wasn’t rolling up, my pants were falling down. If you’re overweight, hell if you’re human, you’re probably familiar with the old pull and tug of clothing. I tried to look cute, I really did even though I was just going to the psychiatrist,. I like to look pretty(who doesn’t) and for being a girl who is very overweight, I have a beautiful face.
However, I could barely get myself out of bed this morning, the depression was so bad. Upon trying to switch positions in bed, as usual, I experienced some difficulty and this brought me to tears. “I’m so fat, I can’t even roll over in bed.” Then as I walked to the bathroom, it seemed every floorboard had something smart to say as they creaked under my steps, further adding to the low I was already feeling. I washed my face thinking,”maybe this is all I need. Clean skin, clean slate.” I felt a little better until I went to get dressed. Due to limited means, I don’t have very many clothes and the one I do have are either worn or ill fit. I put on my most comfortable jeans which also happen to be the ones with patches and shredded bottoms.I had my mind set on one specific shirt today but I have to wear my body shaper underneath it. Well, my body shaper decided it was going to roll all day and at that point I’d given up.
I was very harsh on myself and on my body today. I want everyone to know that they’re not alone in these struggles with weight and body shape and not being able to find that shirt you really want in your size and even not being able to afford the clothing that fits you.
Has anyone else noticed the absurd amount of money they expect you to pay for fashionable clothing? Places like Torrid and Lane Bryant have monopolized the plus size market. I’m 25 years old. I’m not quite ready to resign myself to jeans with elastic bands and tapered legs. I won’t even wear skinny jeans because I don’t think they flatter my figure. I’m strictly a flare leg denim girl which, by the way, since the skinny jean fad came on are getting harder and harder to find. I used to be able to go to places like Dots and Rainbow for pieces but have recently outgrown even their jeans. Some of their shirts I can wear but they’ve also taken on a very urban style which doesn’t appeal to me. Give me a shirt. I don’t need anything written on it, I don’t need an overdose of glitter and for the love of everything PLEASE NO ANIMAL PRINT! So now, if I’m to find a pair of jeans, I have to somehow find $50-$75 for a single pair of jeans. I’d have to take out a loan for a wardrobe. I envy greatly women of size who I see dressed so fashionably. I work at a mall so I see lots of them.
This is another reason I wish to lose weight. I want to be able to go into any store I want and buy something that fits me. I want to pay $9.99 on clearance for a pair of fabulous jeans that fit me like a glove. People don’t realize how expensive it is to clothe a person of size and the places to find the clothes are limited and, as stated before, pretty expensive.
My surgery seems six years away from me now as opposed to six months. All I can do is make sure I make better choices where my eating is concerned tomorrow and try to have a better day. I just wasn’t able to blow away the clouds today. I’ll leave you with a quote from Buddha(paraphrased):
Suffering is born from the desire for things to be different than the way they are.