Today’s a Bad Day

I’m overly anxious for some reason. I’ve tried breathing exercises, and I want to go play my keyboard, but I’m restless. I feel jittery, and I’m not even on any kind of medication.

I also want to exercise. I want to get back into shape, the way I was before all this happened. I gained all my weight back during the last month and a half, and I hate feeling like this blob.

Maybe it’s all the things I want to do and not feeling like doing them? I’m worried that I’m going to have another episode, especially since we figured out that anxiety is a trigger. If I do, it’s not a big deal, I have to remember that. But it’s hard. I’m lucky I have a husband who believes in the condition rather than thinking it’s a bunch of hogwash. I can’t imagine what it’s like for those without the support of their family and friends. If you find me on here, or anywhere else (I’ll be setting up a Twitter soon) message me. I’ll be your friend.

I’m also waiting to hear back from the state on when my State Exam for becoming certified as a CNA. I sent in my forms a week or so ago, and I’m just waiting. I’m learning that waiting is the worse when it comes to anxiety. But I’m also excited, because this could mean a whole new career for me.

I worked in the publishing industry before I got laid off on March 29, 2012. I applied and applied to hundreds of jobs (I have the Excel document to prove it) only to get rejection after rejection for various reasons: “You’re overqualified”, “You’re not the right fit”, “We want somebody local”, etc. Around the 13th month of unemployment, I received a letter from the state saying I need to attend a mandatory seminar on Job Searches and Skills. It’s part of the program here in Wisconsin, where you need to attend a seminar to keep your benefits. I only wish they sent me that letter the first month I was unemployed.

I found out that there is a Department of Vocational Rehabilitation, that helps people like me get jobs. I’m deaf, so it’s hard to get my foot in the door once I say those words to an employer. I am smart, I work hard, and I’m a fierce loyal employee to the company, but there are certain things I can’t do. For example, I can’t talk on the phone, and I don’t know American Sign Language. So I set up a meeting with the case worker and went into the office. In the waiting area, there was a flyer for Certified Nursing Assistant training on the board. My husband saw it while I was meeting with the case worker. I decided to go for it. It was a program that the state paid for, so more people could get into a new career.

Best decision I’ve ever made. I cannot wait to get started on my new career. Next year, depending on how things go, I’m considering furthering my career and becoming an RN. There are a few programs here in Wisconsin that do accelerated BS degree programs if you already have a degree from a four-year college. This means it would only take two years instead of the usual four because I already have the “core” 101 classes. But that’s getting ahead of myself. I need to pass the State Exam first.

Now I’m feeling a little better. I feel more excited now, since things are looking up for my future. I need to focus on that rather than what I NEED to do. There will always be things I need to do, I just have to look at the end result and look forward to it, rather than worrying about the actual process of getting there.

I think I will go play a little bit on the keyboard now.

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