Sorry for the break! I was crazy sick almost all last week. I just got over it! It was a vicious stomach bug or something. Lots of Pepto, lots of Immodium, and not nearly enough eating.
So, what’s new and exciting? For me, I go to the doctor tomorrow and get my weight checked. Here’s hoping for some more pounds lost! My diet kind of got off track for a week or two there. Getting into the habit of unconsciously eating well and/or watching your portions is hard work. It’s so easy to fall back into that same old song and dance that got me into this mess in the first place! It teaches me to be mindful always when I’m eating. Even when I’m not eating, it’s taught me to be mindful of when I’m actually hungry! It’s kind of a cool feeling to be genuinely hungry. It’s something I never really paid that much attention to before because I was probably never honestly hungry considering the amount of food I was taking in.
I have an honest to God eating disorder. So many people think eating disorders are limited to anorexia and bulimia, but I think over-eating is a disorder as well. Any relationship with food that is extremely unhealthy should be considered an eating disorder. I was probably intaking about 2,500-3,000 calories before all of this. Even though I slipped on my diet, I was still pretty aware of my portion sizes. My Borderline Personality Disorder makes it hard to stick with one thing for very long, so not to seem like I was dooming myself, but I kind of saw a slip-up coming from way off in the distance. I think it would still be hard if I didn’t have BPD but maybe not this hard and I woudn’t have to deal with being so wishy-washy in the face of something that can impact my life so greatly.
Weight loss is just such a huge undertaking. It’s so easy to put the weight on, so difficult to take it off (probably because it requires more than simply lifting a fork). I’m hoping that as my weight starts to come off, my back and knees stop hurting. Everyone thinks it’s weight related and for my knees it most likely is. My back, though, that started late in my pregnancy, culminated in 14 hours of back labor and has kind of just stuck around for the long haul. I’m also afraid to say anything to my doctor about it, because I’m worried that he’s going to think it’s not real, that I’m pill-seeking because I’m so young. I mean, I can still function through it most days, but there are days like today, where it was my back AND my knees giving me issues at the same time, that I could really use some pain relief. Tylenol and ibuprofen have been my best friends though I don’t really get much out of the relationship.
My daughter is with me this week. She’s been a little more than temperamental but I understand. She’s going through a lot at the very tender age of four. She helps me a lot. She lifts my spirits. It’s hard not to have your spirits lifted when you hear,”Mom! You’re the best!” and “I love you so so so so so much!” all day. That little girl of mine is very special and very close and dear to me. She’s a big reason that I want to get fit. I want to be a positive influence in her life in the way of eating and exercising and being fit. I don’t want her to grow up with the same stigmas I had growing up as an overweight kid. Other kids are vicious. It didn’t help that I was a late bloomer and didn’t come into my own until my sophmore year in high school. I just want her to have a good childhood, and I’m striving for that in more than a few ways. I’ll admit, the tought of raising her on my own is scary. It scares me to death, but I would cross a room full of giant spiders if it meant she’d have a chance to have a normal, memory-worthy childhood. *Note: I HATE spiders. Even the really small ones.
So yeah. Here’s hoping for a positive turn out at the doctor! Afterall, I was only 8lbs away from being under 300! Pray for me!!!