Amazon’s Purchase of Whole Foods Probably Won’t Mean This

In the largest financial move in the online retailer behemoth’s history, is positioned to purchase Whole Foods for a reported $13.7 billion in the second half of this year. Whole Foods, a bricks-and-mortar organic grocery store chain, caters largely to upmarket, health-conscious consumers. Whole Foods stores pepper most of the US, with a narrow-but-noteworthy swath of uncovered territory forming a vertical stripe through the center of the country.

Amazon has been working its way in to the grocery space, slowly but surely, for several years. Its launch of AmazonFresh was problematic, however. The acquisition of a bricks-and-mortar arm to supplement their reach in the grocery market seems the next logical move.

Shoppers Guess What ‘Whole Foods by’ Could Mean

While the financial fallout of the announcement is still in the air, consumers have wasted no time in declaring their (sometimes humorous) positions on the matter. If there is one characteristic that seems to unite both and Whole Foods’ customers, it is passion. And oh my — they are in rare form today.

So in that decidedly humorous spirit, we offer these 3 cheeky outcomes’s purchase of Whole Foods may bring. Enjoy!

Amazon Whole Foods? Whole Amazon Foods? Our Picks

  1. Amazon will offer direct deposit debit card for Whole Foods purchases
    Cash-strapped parents will be able to funnel their entire paychecks directly into an account designated for purchase of artisan breads and organic baby foods. Lines of credit will be available to those pursuing gluten-free options.
  2. Midwestern health insurance markets unexpectedly tank
    Formerly trapped in Whole Foods’ deserts, Amazon’s purchase of the chain will open a whole new market. Instead of pricey health care plans, Midwestern customers will be able to invest their earnings in purchasing several varieties of locally-sourced apples. An apple a day, they say. . .
  3. NYC millennials will create underground, tech-only grottoes
    With its recent addition of a physical bookstore in Manhattan, appeared to be going back to its roots, at least in some ways. Millennials, baffled by the appearance of touchable merchandise, balked. Repulsed by what they see as a regressive trend, they will form secret clubs in which all-things-analog are outlawed.

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